RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: As Labour target Middle-Aged Mortgage Man, it’s time to revisit a Kinks classic
Labour may be miles ahead in the polls but Keir Starmer is taking no chances. His New Year strategy is to chase ‘Middle-Aged Mortgage Man’ – identified as 50-something males with good jobs who may previously have voted Tory.
The plan is modelled on Tony Blair’s successful pursuit of ‘Mondeo Man’ and ‘Worcester Woman’, who were persuaded to vote Labour in 1997 and 2001.
These two groups – young mums and middle-income home owners – were critical in delivering successive landslides.
Starmer now thinks he can repeat the trick by going after his latest target demographic. I’m not so sure.
Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer and Shadow chancellor Rachel Reeves hold drills during a walkabout at UCL on Thursday
Shadow chancellor Rachel Reeves returns to her seat at Labour Party leader Sir Keir Starmer gives a speech in the background at UCL on Thursday
At least Mondeo Man and Worcester Woman had a certain panache. Middle-Aged Mortgage Man somehow doesn’t have the same ring to it.
You can just imagine the committee meeting which came up with the idea . . .
‘OK, comrades, we’re looking for a catchy slogan to describe our target voters. It needs to alliterate, like Mondeo Man and Worcester Wossname.’
‘How about Northern Non-Binary?’
‘Er . . .’
‘Or Tranmere Trans Woman?’
‘I can see where you’re going with that, comrade. And I like it, very much. Pushes all the right diversity buttons. Just not sure how it would play in the Red Wall. Anyway, I think we can rely on the support of the LGBTQWERTY+ community. We need to convince men in particular who voted Tory last time.’
‘Semi-Detached Suburban Mr James?’
‘Been done already. What are these voters most worried about?’
‘Illegal immigration.’
‘Best steer clear of that one.’
‘Paying the bills. Heating, food, mortgage especially.’
‘Now we’re cooking with energy from sustainable sources, comrades. We should be going after men with families struggling to make ends meet.’
‘Got it! Middle-Aged Mortgage Man.’
‘Brilliant!’
To be honest, I preferred Semi-Detached Suburban Mr James. That old Manfred Mann classic came immediately to mind when I read the story, along with The Kinks’ Well Respected Man.
But since they were both smash hits in the 1960s, the world – especially the post-Covid world of work – has changed beyond all recognition. Only yesterday a new report said that few people work Monday to Friday any more. Most spend half the week WFH.
Back then, the Kinks’ Well Respected Man got the same train into town every day, and prided himself on punctuality and ‘doing the best things so conservatively’.
Today, his modern equivalent, not so much. If the great Ray Davies was sitting down now to write a sequel, called Middle-Aged Mortgage Man, it would probably go something like this . . .
Coz he lies in every morning,
And he stays in bed till nine,
Coz he ‘Works From Home’ five days a week
And avoids the Northern Line.
His world is built round Bargain Hunt
And Lorraine on ITV.
And he’s oh, so smug,
And he’s oh, so fine,
And he’s slobbing round the house again,
In his jim-jams all the time.
He’s a Middle-Aged Mortgage Man from Middle England,
Doing his day job so complacently.
And he never goes to meetings,
Except when they’re on Zoom,
He can do that from his sofa,
In his comfy sitting room.
Twice a day he walks his labradoodle puppy
Down the pub.
And he’s oh, so smug,
And he’s oh, so fine,
And he’s dipping in the biscuit tin,
Munching Hobnobs two at a time.
He’s a middle-management job-for-lifer,
Doing his day job so complacently.
And he likes his own backyard,
He adores a glass of Merlot,
He developed quite a taste for it,
When he was home on furlough.
Loved every day of lockdown coz he’d never
Had it so good.
And he’s oh, so smug,
And he’s oh, so fine,
But he won’t go back to work again,
Though he’s bored out of his mind.
He’s a middle-ranking civil servant,
Doing his day job so complacently.
But he likes to stay in shape,
So he’s hired a personal trainer,
And he’s dying to get at her
Coz she looks like Angela Rayner.
He fancied her on Question Time and thinks
He might vote Labour.
And he’s oh, so smug,
And he’s oh, so fine,
And he’s surfing the world wide web again,
Watching porno flix online,
He’s a Middle-Aged Mortgage Man from Middle England,
Doing his day job so complacently.
