Comedian and TV host Zoe Lyons, 52, lives in Hove with her wife, Sindy, and their dog, Mr Groucho Barx. Zoe took her tour, The Bald Ambition Tour, around the UK last year.
Zoe took part in Channel 4’s Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins. She won’t do that again, unless Channel 4 has £200,000 going spare. She recently made £250,000 in one year, but only started putting money in a pension three years ago.
Time spent in grisly accommodation after comedy gigs has left Zoe with an intense hatred of hotels. She is, however, willing to spend money on business class flights to far-flung locations. Zoe lives small to live big.
What was life like growing up?
I grew up in rural Ireland in the 70s, so there was no money anywhere. My dad was an engineer and my mum stayed at home at that point. I now realise how much they struggled. We had an Irish Wolfhound, which was a big expense. I didn’t go on holiday until I was 12 and visited family in Wales.
We moved around a lot. After living in Surrey for a while, we moved to Glasgow. When I was 16 I got a job in a warehouse packing jams and sweets. It was the best job. The women working there were hilarious and I made more than £200 a week.
How did you make money while studying drama?
I studied drama at The Poor School in London. I worked during the day and studied at night and during weekends. I didn’t have a day off for two years. I worked in TGI Fridays in Piccadilly Circus as a bartender, which was hard work and the pay wasn’t great. I also worked at a restaurant called Also in Covent Garden. The great and the good would come in and after three hours of sitting around, I’d get £80 in tips.
Why did you go into comedy?
A career in acting seemed too perilous and unpredictable. At drama school, I knew we wouldn’t all make it. I wanted to generate my own work and give myself a fighting chance. I’d always loved stand-up and was never going to be a leading lady. I had to play to my strengths.
How much were you paid for comedy gigs in the early days?
After the first gig I ever got paid for in 2002, I received £15. I was blown away and wasn’t expecting to be paid. This was a financial transaction. I was a paid comic. Before this, I did unpaid gigs for a few months.
I once did a gig in a Plymouth nightclub for £100. Petrol cost me £25, I got a £50 speeding ticket and my lunch cost £5. I made £20. My margins were small. For years I lived hand to mouth. It was really stressful.
How much are you paid now?
Some TV shows I’ve done have been lucrative. Festivals also pay well for 20 minutes or so. I still feel a pang of guilt when I get offered a lot, but then I think back to the Plymouth gig.
I once did a commercial for a holiday company. They flew me to Jamaica and paid me £20,000.
What’s the most amount of money you’ve made in one year?
About £250,000 in 2022 from live gigs, TV and corporate work. There was a post-pandemic rush.
What’s your home like?
We put our flat on the market today. We got it 12 years ago for £295,000. It’s a two-bedroom garden flat near the sea in Hove. It’s worth around £600,000. My wife was canny and locked us into a five-year mortgage with an interest rate of 1.47 per cent.
We’ve stayed here for years because we live small to live big. We prefer to spend money on travel.
We’re now looking for a new home. I’d love a 70s bungalow just outside Brighton.
Do you put money into a pension or invest in shares?
I only started putting money into a private pension three years ago after hiring a financial adviser. Early on, I simply wasn’t able to set money aside. A bit of me just doesn’t really care about these things. I had no financial security for years, but we always managed.
I have a stocks and shares Isa with a bank. I’m very reactive so the idea of me buying individual company shares would be a nightmare for everyone involved. The stock market is a wilderness. It’s not my forte.
What’s in your purse?
I don’t have one. Everything’s streamlined. I have two current account cards and a business card. I don’t have any store loyalty cards, which drives my wife mad. I very rarely have cash on me and only use credit cards on holiday.
What do you enjoy spending money on?
We like going to a nice restaurant once a month for £200 to £300 a time.
We enjoy going to remote places. I get agitated on long-haul flights, so we fly business class. I have to square this with myself. For short-haul trips, I fly economy. We’ve lived small for a decade to be able to live big.
We eat cheaply when we travel and don’t stay in expensive accommodation. A long-haul holiday for a couple of weeks can cost us between £10,000 to £12,000. We recently went to the Raja Ampat Islands for a diving trip.
Are you a penny-pincher?
I don’t spend money on luxury hotels. I hate hotels. I once drove home from a hotel after a comedy gig at 2am because it was so dire. I’ve worn socks in hotel showers.
I don’t spend lots of money on body lotions and hand creams. They are all the same. I love getting the bus and rarely travel in taxis. I like to eat healthily, so I still take my own packed lunches to gigs!
I realised today I need to spend quite a lot of money on some new bras. I haven’t purchased any for years. My bras look like sad hamster hammocks. I’ll go to M&S and get some new ones.
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever purchased?
I had a midlife crisis during the pandemic and got myself a Porsche Boxter for £15,000. I sold it at a loss and got another Porsche Boxter for £25,000. I sold that one for a loss too.
How much would Channel 4 have to pay you to go on Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins again?
Knowing everything I now know about that show and what it involves, it would have to be £200,000. I don’t think I will be doing it again, but I am very glad I did it. The DS were brilliant. It was brutal, but Billy does have the most beautiful blue eyes.
How motivated are you by money?
I am very motivated by money. I think this stems from feeling so insecure and unsure about it for years. It’s always been very important for me to stand on my own two feet and be financially independent.
I have enough money now, which I’m grateful for. Being a multimillionaire wouldn’t make me feel differently about my life. Having said that, Sindy and I have just purchased a scratchcard, so perhaps there’s still some temptation there!
You are given £1m tomorrow – what will you do with it? Charity donations are banned…
It’s a good job charity donations are banned, as I have a detailed itinerary in mind. I’d clear the decks for six months, buy a van and travel the world with Sindy.
I’d head to Scandinavia, visit some woods in Finland, drive to Greece and then head to Malta and go diving. I’d also buy my 1970s bungalow and start writing a book. Oh, and I’d buy a treehouse, set in some pine trees.
You can be a mega-rich person for the day. Who will you be?
Rishi Sunak. He is a very wealthy man. I would buy all the water companies and put people in charge of them who care about the marine environment. We’d also no longer have to swim in poo. I’d hire Feargal Sharkey and put him in charge. He’d get the water firms up to scratch.
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