Almost 40% of Brits in couples have money in accounts their partners don’t know about – and recently 36-year-old Ben* discovered his boyfriend was one of them.
Ben’s boyfriend Dylan*, 27, is currently unemployed, lives at home, and is in a program that guarantees a job at the end – but currently doesn’t pay him a salary.
Due to Dylan’s financial situation, the pair – who have been together for three years – don’t go on many dates, but still plan beach days and karaoke nights for them to enjoy.
Ben, who earns six figures, however, took to Reddit to share his frustration. He said: ‘I have never been high maintenance but sometimes these things do become kind of boring… I’m understanding of it because of his financial situation. Or at least I was.’
The 36-year-old stumbled on Dylan’s finance binder in the home office while helping him clean his parent’s house.
Ben explained: ‘I dabbled a bit in finance so I decided to just flip through it since I was curious. Inside were several documents, most dated to around 2002. Two insurance policies with cash surrender values double and triple my yearly salary plus a trust account with numbers I genuinely couldn’t believe.
‘There was some other stuff I couldn’t make heads or tails of too so I don’t believe that that’s all there is but the kicker was all of it was in his name.’
Ben added: ‘The problem isn’t really the money, the problem is that he never disclosed to me that he is in a different tax bracket entirely.’
Due to the fact 42% of millennials say they fight about money on a monthly basis, and it’s the biggest source of their arguments in relationships, it’s no surprise Ben was annoyed at his discovery.
‘I know it’s likely his parents saved all of this up for him and transferred it when he was old enough, but at any point he could dip into this stuff and they definitely couldn’t stop him,’ Ben said.
‘We could be living a much better lifestyle than the one we live now. He could have his own house, a car so he doesn’t have to bike everywhere. He could start a business instead of looking for a job. There’s literally no reason either of us should be slaving away in dead-end jobs and programs when he just has this lying around collecting dust.’
Despite these feelings, Ben claimed he’s not with Dylan for the money but believes he’s been mislead.
He added: ‘We talked about our future and how we would take trips and build a life spoiling each other. He could do that now if he wanted but he doesn’t.
‘I feel like he’s just been stringing me along and I’m not the guy he really wants to spend the rest of his life with, since he doesn’t use any of his resources on me.’
Ben wants to know how he can ask Dylan about the money without sounding like a ‘gold digger’, but was it wrong of him to snoop in the first place?
Hayley Quinn, dating expert for Match, tells Metro.co.uk that both Ben and Dylan are partly in the wrong.
She says: ‘We all know that it’s “wrong” to snoop on our partners, however it’s a common behaviour in relationships when people feel a lack of clarity and want a definitive answer.
‘Sometimes we entrust ourselves to get to the bottom of things and while sometimes our intuition may be well-founded, this is obviously not a desirable way to come to that conclusion.
‘Likewise, it’s preferable to be transparent with our partners, however there may be legitimate reasons why someone feels unable to do that. Each of us have to make subjective judgements about how to balance priorities that may be in conflict, and no one will successfully negotiate these decisions successfully all the time.’
How to talk about money if this happens to you:
Hayley says: ‘Money can be a hard subject to talk about as we often feel a lot of judgement around this area of our lives.
‘To kick start the conversation, begin by sharing your own feelings about money – sometimes this transparency can help the other person to open up.
‘Money also usually means more than just the number in a bank account, it can be related to people’s feelings of self-worth, and safety. So, rather than just focusing on how much money you have, talk about what it means to you.
‘Finally, as you grow together as a couple, get practical on this tricky topic by using a spreadsheet, for example, to gain transparency and start to work together towards your financial goals.’
But, unfortunately for Ben, Hayley feels this financial discovery and pending conversation is likely to end their relationship.
Hayley explains: ‘The boyfriend has long-held resentments about their relationship – driven by a lack of money, and the associated lifestyle. This gnawing dissatisfaction, led him to intrude on his partner’s privacy.
‘While there’s still the opportunity to have an honest conversation about finances, this will be harder to negotiate as one half of this couple now has to confess that the reason they’re enquiring is because of something they’ve snooped to find.
‘Beyond the act of snooping, the partner who found these financial documents has made a lot of assumptions – that this money is freely able to be spent. Without knowing the details of the trust, and the intentions behind it, this is a stretch.
‘To get back onto the same level, the snooping partner will have to go back to the drawing board and be radically open to hearing his partner’s reasons for not disclosing this money or spending it.’
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