Like most reasonable Swift-mericans, I hopped on Taylor Swift’s online store the moment her new holiday merchandise dropped this week, prepared to give the pop star more of all of my money.
Then the site crashed. It was down an hour and I spent that time calmly shouting: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
How was I supposed to get the Christmas Tree Farm Phone Case, the Christmas Tree Farm Tumbler or the Christmas Tree Farm Memory Box?
How long would my Swiftmas tree go untrimmed?
Taylor Swift’s holiday collection site crash was brief, but terrible
Fortunately, the site un-crashed and I, along with approximately 87 billion Swifties, was able to spend $1,285 on an array of never-to-be-regretted items, including the Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) Koi Fish Ornament and a Lost in the Labyrinth of my Mind Crewneck Pullover.
It was a relief, though the pain of that hour-long Swift-merch-less existence will haunt me. I hope Swift writes a song about the heartbreaking holiday collection site crash of 2023 and then next Christmas sells an ornament named after that song.
Swifties’ votes could sway election:Taylor Swift could pick our next president. Are Americans and Swifties ‘Ready For It?’
As I sit here in the dark awaiting the arrival of my Your Touch Brought Forth An Incandescent Glow Candle Holders, I feel it important that we reflect on this moment of frightening capitalism-interruptus. And even more important, we commit ourselves to making sure it never, ever happens again: The Taylor Swift economy must be protected at all costs.
It’s time to put the full faith and credit of the United States behind Taylor Swift
I call on lawmakers on both sides of the aisle to immediately fortify all Swift-related forms of commerce, drawing resources away from other retailers or online sites and services as necessary.
The woman who has bestowed upon football-person Travis Kelce the honor of dating her adds billions of dollars to the U.S. economy. Amid her Eras Tour, her movie about the Eras Tour, merchandise sales and the economic boon that comes to every city she visits, Swift is fast becoming an industry unto herself.
We can’t have her online store crashing. The government needs to provide Ms. Swift whatever infrastructure she needs.
Is Taylor Swift generous?Eras Tour billionaire should shake off criticism on donations.
It’s time for America to embrace a full-on Taylor Swift economy
Perhaps the courts could give X, formerly known as Twitter, less of the internet so Swift can have more? Or maybe we could all agree that Arby’s and Taco Bell don’t need to be eating up any of our precious online bandwidth.
Allocating all that is necessary – up to and including the help of the U.S. military – would be a sensible investment in America’s future, as it appears that future involves a move to an entirely Swift-based economy. Think Taylor Bucks backed by the “one single thread of gold“-standard and the New York Swift Exchange.
I’m not willing to risk a brief interruption of Swift-related commerce. Are you?
To paraphrase a line from the inestimable Ms. Swift’s song “Closure”: Let’s treat this like some situation that needs to be handled.
Let’s come together as Swifties and America-ies and make sure the horror of Nov. 13 – the day Taylor Swift’s holiday collection was unavailable for about an hour – never happens again.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
