A message to all Americans, from the Republican Party:
Hello citizens of this amazing nation that President Joe Biden has singlehandedly burned down and made terrible!
We realize that for many months we have asked you to pay attention to the economy and be hopping mad at Biden and his “Bidenomics” for making everything so horrible.
Well, now we have a different request. Please DO NOT pay any attention whatsoever to the economy and instead focus entirely on the crisis along our southern border. Do not glance at how the stock market is doing, and under no circumstances check your 401(k) balances.
Economy is good, so we need you to worry about the border
Instead, you should be living in existential fear that at any moment, a swarm of violent migrants released from South American mental-health facilities will take over your home and enslave you.
Why the sudden change in focus? Well, it appears wokeness has infiltrated the economy, cynically causing the Commerce Department to report strong economic growth. That report – presumably written by socialists or possibly Marxists – drove headlines like “The U.S. economy grew at blistering 3.3% pace in Q4 while inflation pulled back” and “US economy grew at a shocking pace in the fourth quarter” and “US growth shatters expectations, boosting Biden’s economic pitch.”
Moody’s Analytics chief economist Mark Zandi said of the report released Thursday: “It’s just a perfect report. Strong growth and low inflation. Everything contributed to growth – consumers, businesses, government, housing, trade, inventories. All of the economic wheels were moving in the same direction.”
As a patriot and true conservative, it’s imperative you ignore any such nonsense and trust us that your life is terrible right now and Biden’s economy is an abject failure.
LOOK AWAY FROM THE ECONOMY, REPUBLICAN PATRIOTS!
To that end, please immediately pull your attention away from economic news and allow yourself to grow angrier and angrier about the border crisis.
What exactly is happening at the border? Oh, lots of things. Chaos! Murder! Hordes! More murder! Any fear you might have or any problem for which you need a scapegoat, it can be found down there.
And it’s all Biden’s fault, because when President Donald Trump was in office there were ZERO problems at the border. You know that’s true because we stopped talking about it while he was president. Trust us.
Trump sexually abused a woman.Why don’t Republicans care?
Republicans are dutifully addressing the border crisis by doing nothing
And rest assured, we Republicans are laser-focused on addressing all the horrific border problems we keep yelling about on Fox News. Our first step is to not address all the horrific border problems we keep yelling about, allowing you all, the voters, more time to become frightened as you listen to us yell.
As you may have heard, we’re backing away from a bipartisan border deal that includes a number of Democratic concessions and could be the best border deal we can ever hope to get.
We are doing this for you, the American people, so you can continue to hear us talk about the border situation as an existential threat to the country, the kind of existential threat we can totes put off for another year in the hope former President Trump gets elected again.
That makes sense, right?
Trump has told us not to fix the border, and we must obey Trump
LOOK OUT, THERE’S A MIGRANT BEHIND YOU!!
Whooof. That was close.
Anyway, the wise and powerful Trump doesn’t want us to do anything about the southern border because he’s worried it might make things better. If things get better, you all might feel less angry and start looking at the economy again. We can’t have that. Only a filthy liberal would want to fix a problem.
And remember, anger is the most patriotic emotion.
OH NO, A MIGRANT JUST TOOK YOUR JOB AND MOVED INTO YOUR LAKE HOUSE!! WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END?!?
Biden has the right border plan,but arbitrary caps have actually blocked legal migration
Get ready for a Republican border-palooza: all talk, all the time
Anyway, in the days and weeks ahead we will be filling conservative airwaves with nonstop talk about THE BIDEN BORDER CRISIS and BIDEN’S FAILED BORDER POLICIES and ARMAGEDDON MARCHING ACROSS OUR BORDERS. We will start fearmongering about a migrant caravan in 3, 2, 1 … there we go.
And many Republican leaders you know and love will visit the border to stand and yell scary things into TV cameras, howling about the problem they are in no way willing to address.
So, prepare your fear glands for the impending swelling, and don’t you dare take your eyes off that border.
We can’t risk you getting a glimpse of Biden’s economy.
— The Republican Party
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
